The Wrath of Pong

Great title for a blog, innit? I can safely lead off with such an apparently egotistical question because I didn't come up with the title, and I doubt it will survive, because it just, frankly, isn't me. A very smart and close friend of mine suggested it, and while it isn't me, I have to admit that it is catchy and I haven't been able to think of a great title (yet) that is me, hence: TWOP.

So I headline my first post with the title since I'm assuming it will vanish as a title, so this is my little nod to it.

The Wrath of Pong. It quickly hints at a movie (King Kong) for which I have no affinity, in any of the incarnations I've seen. I know I'm bruising quite a few noses with that confession. It also, however, echoes the title of one of my favorite movies -- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Might be my favorite ST installment. My justifications for both opinions will likely grace another blog very soon.

At any rate, enough with addressing the obvious and relatively irrelevant. Let me relevant it up a little, here. The wrath of Pong. Video games are, for me, very much like some of my most memorable girlfriends: I didn't want to be with anyone else, and they could really, really, yes really piss me off -- pardon my English.

This is the wrath of Pong.

Video games are some of the best sources on the planet to find one of the things that really chaps my hide: needless stupidity.

This is the wrath of Pong.

Yes, there is such a thing as needless stupidity as opposed to necessary, or acceptable stupidity. There is.

Necessary or expected stupidity is meeting a gorgeous woman and suddenly forgetting every word in the English language. All of them. Or going too far with a joke. Lines are there, we're human, we cross them. If we're decent people, we regret it and do it fewer and fewer times the older we get.

Needless stupidity is making the best version of Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit 2 be the PS2 version ... and not only the best version, but the best without any question or debate. There is no contest. It looks and plays better than the Xbox version, the PC version, and the GameCube version (probably combined). And, despite the fact that I believe, with many justifiable observations (which I will put forth here in the days to come), that the PS2 system is undeniably the best gaming system of its generation (which it shouldn't be), that fact is quite simply asinine, aka needlessly stupid.

Or publishing just about any game with no selectable difficulty levels or some other means to get through a section that is proving too difficult for anyone in particular, * especially * when you're going to tie "unlockables" into game progress. You are being asinine! Stop it instantly!

"Gee, I wonder how we can possibly give our games wider appeal?" You are NOT that stupid. You can't be. The word "impossible" gets thrown around far too much, but it is impossible for you to be that stupid. How can you ask that question and then go design as if you're asking the exact opposite question. Quit designing only for people who play games 20+ hours a week. Quit focusing on making games as "challenges". They are games, for the luva Mike! Do you know the word? It's the whole point of your flipping industry? Life is enough of an frazzlin' challenge! It * is * impossible for you to be that stupid!

This may come as an even bigger surprise, but another term for "needlessly stupid" is "mean". Yes. You're mean. And I don't mean "mean" in that hanky-slapping, tear-dabbing, you're-not-my-friend-anymore sense. I mean "mean" as in the Devil. You know. Lucifer? Ever hear of 'im?

"Mean" as in the bamboo-shoots-under-the-fingernails, Will Tippin's season 2 dental operation, "We're only going to ask you this one time" mean. I know, you're mommy and daddy and all your friends tell you what a great guy you are, and you think you're not such a bad bloke. But, you are. You're a bad man. A very bad man.

A game is an activity providing pleasure or amusement, not frustration and expletive-encouragement. What IS the matter with you? You are (drum roll, please (as in, the one that preps the firing squad) needlessly stupid!!

You want ME to pay for something where I only get all of what I pay for if I'm effing "good enough" to unlock it?!? It's people like you that make me really really wonder if profanity really is a sin, because surely you are proof that God created it and intended it to be used against particular evils, among which you are chief.

When are you going to start making GAMES! It's not fun for me to have to spend an hour fighting a boss OVER and OVER again. And it's REALLY not fun for me to see something so freaking awesome and what looks like so much fun only to be jerked around and shut out because I'm not "good enough" to play your game. You're like the worst imaginable human being possible. Like a mix of the grade school bully and a hooker who treats you like she's a girlfriend: give me your money -- we can hold hands, but don't get any ideas.

It's NOT fun!!! That ISN'T fun!!! It's needless stupidity, you *&#@ing morons!!

"Oh, I don't get the really nice Ferrari unless I can beat this stupidly difficult race? I'm getting tingly all over just thinkin about it! That sounds better than sex! What fun!"

Me. This rant. Is necessarily, expectedly stupid. Will it do any good? I probably have a better chance at proving the existence of God. No way. Forget it. I might as well hatch my plan to get engaged to Morgan Webb. It's not going to happen!! It's stupid of me to waste my time with this stupid rant. And some people rag on masturbation? This is worse -- I get myself worked up with NO hope of satisfaction. Stupid. But expected and understandable.

You video game developers. You are brilliant, magnificent, creative people who have produced some of the most amazing and compelling moments in entertainment history, and you continue to prove the point that nature always evens things out. The average intellect will probably get through life without making too many stupid, and certainly not any glaring mistakes. While you insanely gifted pull some of the biggest boneheaded moves that even the stupidest people stare at incredulously, feeling so much better about themselves.

Please. Please! I beg of you. Start. Thinking. Now. Today. Before you finish reading this blog. Be stupid. Revel in it. But quit being needlessly stupid.

... I need a cigarette.